


Lawlight ficlets I wrote during my disassociation episodes

by theredplace



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Blood and Gore, Blow Jobs, Bulimia, Character Death, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Ghost L (Death Note), Ghosts, Good Yagami Light, Hallucinations, L Wins (Death Note), M/M, Major Character Injury, Memory Loss, Nightmares, One Shot, One Shot Collection, Rain, Russian Roulette, Short One Shot, Suicidal Thoughts, Yotsuba Arc (Death Note)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:35:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28125477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theredplace/pseuds/theredplace
Summary: These are short lawlight oneshots I wrote while I was in a weird headspace. Warnings and tags will be added as necessary. Enjoy.Chapter 1: L and Light fall in love during the Yotsuba arc. Light regains his memories and is conflicted as L suggests they make love for the first time.Chapter 2: Light is lonely after L's death. L keeps him company in the afterlife.Chapter 3: The mock execution goes horribly wrong.Chapter 4: An alternate ending for the "rain scene".Chapter 5: Yotsuba!Light has a nightmare about being Kira. L is surprisingly good at comforting him.Chapter 6: Light hallucinates that L is there with him as he dies on the staircase.Chapter 7: L forces Light to play a game of Russian roulette.Chapter 8: Light accidentally discovers that L has an eating disorder.
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 2
Kudos: 118





	1. Forget Me Not

Light preferred to forget everything all over again. L was his and Light wished he wasn’t. It was too painful when L suggested that they make love for the first time, but Light agreed anyways.

All of the soft kisses to his neck did nothing to soothe his wounds, it only rubbed salt into them. He struggled not to cry and sob as L touched him so tenderly as if he were made from glass; the touch of a lover.

“Light,” L breathed against his neck, “I love you.”

His heart squeezed in his chest and his stomach churned. Light suddenly felt sick and he grew all hot and sweaty, but L only assumed it was because he was aroused. L caressed his groin tenderly, using the utmost care as Light held down tears. 

“I love you too.”

The kiss shared between them was one-sided. 

L began to move his hips against him and Light followed his lead, his breathing becoming deep and ragged. 

His body was now aroused, but Light was elsewhere mentally. He still felt like the same boy he was when they were chained together: innocent and raw. Light almost wished that he had never regained his memories, or that he never made the first move. He was the one to kiss L.

“Light,” L called softly. “Look at me. I want you to look at me.”

Light hesitantly met his eyes, and L’s was full of love and devotion, while his read dread. L cupped his cheek and kissed him again. He slowly stripped Light of his clothes, and he had never felt more vulnerable in his entire life up until this point. 

L smoothed his hands over his body, marveling at the muscle that could have been carved from stone. He was so soft and warm.

Kisses trailed up his belly and chest, and Light watched as L took a nipple into his mouth. A soft sigh escaped him, and Light closed his eyes so that L would stop looking at him like that — like he was the love of his life. It made him feel guilty. He knew that he would have to kill him eventually.

When L penetrated him, he had never felt closer to him. They had become one: L and Kira. L knew fully well who Light was. He had known this entire time, and he had come to terms with the fact that his lover would have to kill him. L knew he had lost as soon as he noticed a change in Light’s behavior, as soon as Light returned to being Kira.

“I love you, Light,” L breathed as he rolled his hips in slow circles, “and I forgive you.”

“You forgive me? For what?” 

L stopped moving to reach up to cup his lover’s cheek, looking deep into his eyes to find the man that he knew was always there, the killer. 

L didn’t answer, and he resumed until they both came with soft groans and sighs. 

“I forgive you,” L repeated as he pulled out of Light. “I understand.”

“Ryuzaki…”

“Just do not forget me.”


	2. The Names of Ghosts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light is lonely after L's death. L keeps him company in the afterlife.

Light could hide the truth from everybody, but not L. He never once confessed his crimes, but he didn’t have to; L already knew. He saw him for who he was and that’s what made him so special. 

After L’s death, he heard whispers. At first, they were from afar and very distant. It was incoherent and unintelligible. He couldn’t recognize the voice, but it was definitely a man’s.

Light thought that it was the guilt that caused him to hallucinate. L was his first real friend, and vice versa. Nobody could understand them but each other.

However, as time went on, Light found that the whispers were getting closer and closer, more and more comprehensible. He can make out words now.

“Light.”

“Notebook.”

“Nothing.”

Those were the few words he was able to understand and he couldn’t figure out what they meant. His name, a notebook, and nothing. The only thing that made sense was the association between Light and the notebook — his death note.

Light visited L’s grave a month after the funeral. He had brought lotus flowers. He thought they would look nice.

The gravestone already looked a bit weathered. There were stains of rain from past storms and some moss growing over the sides and bottom. Light peeled the moss away and placed his flowers over where L’s body was.

He kneeled silently over his grave, his heart growing heavier with every second that passed by. Why did his chest ache so much?

“Light.”

The voice was clearer now. It was familiar and soothing. It was L’s voice.

“L?” He placed his hand over the grass beneath him, almost as if to reach out for L’s rotting corpse.

“Light.”

He heard it again, but much closer this time. It was as if L was whispering into his ear.

“Light, do you really think you’re nothing without the notebook?”

The question made him blink.

“I don’t understand…” Nobody replied. “L?” Once again: nothing. “L… Please talk to me.” Light didn’t know why his voice wavered and why his throat was getting tighter. “L, please…”

The silence brought tears to his eyes and Light began to cry over the detective’s grave. It was only then that Light realized he had been so lonely without him. 

“L…” He cried, his hands shaking as his vision blurred from his tears. “Please talk to me… Say anything…”

When nothing came, he sobbed harder. 

“I was always with you, Light, and I will remain with you until your broken heart mends.”

Light wiped his tears, holding down hiccups so that he could hear him.

“No… Don’t ever leave me. Not again…”

Despite that, Light never heard his voice again. Not for the entire hour he stayed at the cemetery. Not during his reign of the new world.

However, Light saw L at the very end of his life, right before he shut his eyes for the last time as he laid, bleeding. 

L never left him.


	3. A Father's Regret and a Lover's Penitence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mock execution goes horribly wrong.

“Dad, no!” Light shouted, staring down into the barrel of his father’s gun.

Bang!

The gun went off and everybody’s ears rang. Light felt a burning sensation on his forehead and he couldn’t see anymore. He was blown unconscious.

When he woke up, nothing was the same. His head was wrapped and he couldn’t understand anyone. Whenever someone would talk to him, it sounded as if they were speaking a foreign language. 

The blank in his father’s gun gave Light 2nd degree burns on his forehead and the impact from it being so close to him was almost fatal. A fragment of his skull had shattered and damaged his frontal lobe. 

Light could no longer communicate. He found that words were too incomprehensible for him to repeat and he didn’t even remember the meanings of them in the first place.

“I didn’t think that this would happen —”

“You told me that it was safe! That it wouldn’t hurt him!”

“Mr. Yagami, while I understand why you are upset, I couldn’t have possibly predicted —”

There was a loud slap noise. Mr. Yagami had slapped L.

L was stunned into silence, holding his throbbing cheek as Soichiro slammed the door on him. He didn’t want L to ever speak to his son again, but it wasn’t like it was even possible anyway. Light couldn’t talk.

Mr. Yagami sat down next to Light, reaching out to hold his hand and to whisper apologies that the boy wouldn’t understand.

His father stayed with him for as long as he could bear it. It was difficult to see the result of his actions and the guilt that came with it.

When he stepped outside of the room, L managed to slink in without Soichiro’s notice. He sat down next to Light, watching the boy’s face twist into confusion.

He didn’t recognize L.

“Light…” He spoke to him even though he knew that Light wouldn’t be able to follow him. “I didn’t mean for this to happen…”

It was like L was speaking to a wall.

“You cannot understand me, can you?” It was met with a puzzled expression. “That’s what I thought…” 

L had lost his lover due to his own decisions. If he had come up with a different plan, a plan without a damn blank shot to the face, Light wouldn’t be a damn shell! This was all his fault and he couldn’t fix it.

L reached over to place his hand over Light’s. The boy took his hand away, frightened by the man he didn’t know.

The detective sighed, his heart sinking to the very pits of his stomach. 

“I’m sorry, Light.” L stood up and left the room, repulsed with himself.

He had killed the Light Yagami he once knew, yet he also knew that he had killed Kira along with him. Did he save Light from himself? L didn’t know and he felt lost. He had lost his lover and his only friend.


	4. God's Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An alternate ending for the "rain scene".

The howling of the wind should have knocked L to his feet, but he stood firmly planted on the roof, seemingly unfazed by the heavy rainfall. He was looking at nothing in particular, yet he had a pensive expression on his face.

What was he thinking about, Light wondered. It was hard to tell what L was thinking these days. Ever since they had caught Higuchi, he wasn’t the same. He was more distant and quiet, appearing to be stuck in his own fantasy world. 

“What are you doing standing out there by yourself?” Light asked from the safety of the indoors. L didn’t hear him. “What are you doing standing out there by yourself?” he repeated a little bit louder. Once again, it fell upon deaf ears. 

Light growled quietly to himself. L must have heard him, but he probably wanted to fuck around with him and make him walk out into the rain to get him all wet.

He trudged outside, shielding his face from the harsh winds and rain with his arm. 

“What are you doing, Ryuzaki?”

The bastard should be able to hear him now.

“Oh,” L looked away, staring at the ground as if fascinated by it, but Light knew it was because he didn’t want to make eye contact. “I’m not doing anything in particular, it’s just…” He glanced up at the sky this time, “I hear the bell.”

“The bell?”

“Yes. The sound of the bell’s been unusually loud today.” 

He failed to elaborate.

Light strained his ears to see if he could hear any bells chiming, but to no avail.

“I don’t hear anything.”

“Really?” L questioned in disbelief, “you can’t hear it? It’s been ringing nonstop all day. I find it… very distracting. I wonder if it’s a church… maybe a wedding, or perhaps a…” He stopped talking.

“What are you getting at, Ryuzaki?” Light’s patience was wearing thin with the frigid cold nipping at his bones. “Come on, cut it out. Let’s get back inside.”

“I’m sorry.”

L’s eyes darted to the ground as his face and shoulders drooped. He looked… lost. 

“Ryuzaki?” Light called, his voice suddenly softer. “What’s wrong? Come on, let’s get inside. It’s cold.” His nose was beginning to run.

“I hope you won’t be too lonely when i’m gone…”

“What?”

“I will be leaving you soon, Light,” L said, his eyes directed at the ground once more. The heavy drops soaked through his clothes uncomfortably. He pulled his arms in against himself, feeling the cold piercing through his skin.

“Leaving me? Why?” The silence that followed was heavier than the rain. “Ryuzaki, you’re not making any sense.”

“Nothing I say makes any sense anyways.” His eyes never moved from the ground, lancinating and intense. 

“You know,” Light said, “you’re totally right. Honestly, most of the things you say sound like complete nonsense.” Except for the fact that L was right: he was going to be leaving soon. He was mere minutes away from death and he knew it.

“Tell me, Light, from the moment you were born, has there ever been a point where you actually told the truth?” For a moment, it felt like the rain had completely stopped. Before Light could respond, L continued. “Your mouth may lie, but your body is nothing but honest.” Light’s brows furrowed with confusion.

“What do you mean by that?”

L slowly raised his hand to cup Light’s cheek. He ran his thumb over the mound of his cheekbone, feeling the soft skin underneath. His eyes bore into him. Light found himself looking back at L, held by the flickering of those grey eyes. L was close now. His free hand moved to Light’s waist, then to the back of his hair. He twisted slightly to bring his mouth down to meet Light’s. He felt L’s tongue before he could feel his lips against his.

Light felt good. He felt warm. Comfort was the word that came to mind. It was the right word. 

L wondered what was about to happen to him. He had lost the race. How was he going to die?

L pulled away, looking at the floor as he noticed his hands were shaking. He was starting to become afraid, and he didn’t want to die. Not yet. Not after all this time.

“Please,” he whispered to Light, begging him to reconsider what he was about to do, because this was it. He knew it. 

The look in Light’s eyes was all he needed to know that he had just lost his last chance. He could feel it. All of Light’s attention was at the task at hand. L had to die. There was no other way, and so L started shaking like he had never shaken before because there was no way out. Light could almost hear the shaking.

“Ryuzaki, you’re freezing…” Light mumbled. He knew what he had to do, and L did as well. “Let’s go back inside.”

“Yes… I’m sorry.”

L seemed to snap out of that moment of vulnerability. He led Light inside, leaving a trail of wet shoe prints behind. 

As Light wiped himself off, L kneeled before him, taking his towel to wipe the bottom of Light’s soaking feet. Before he could pull away, L held his leg in place.

“I’m atoning for my sins,” L explained. “It’s the very least I can do…”

“Do what you want…” Light looked away, not having the energy to argue with the detective. L’s hand smoothed up the gentle curves of Light’s leg, tracing over his lithe musculature. “Ryuzaki, what are you doing..?” 

“I’m asking for forgiveness.”

“For what?”

“My sins.”

L wasn’t making any sense, but his hands working over his body felt nice. Light was going to miss this.

He reached up to unzip Light’s pants, moving to tenderly caress his groin.

“Hmph!” Light grunted, surprised. “Ryuzaki?”

“Call me L… Just for now…” He wanted him to call him by his name one last time.

L pulled Light’s pants and underwear down a bit, noting that Light’s cock was already a little hard. His member was a beautiful sight, reminding L of how he’d been desperate for completion in the first days of their “relationship”.

He dragged Light’s pants and underwear lower before kissing his neck. L slipped a hand under his shirt to pinch a nipple. He had to tease Light for a moment to make certain that they both wanted this. L then kissed the tip of his aching dick, teasing the tip with his lips and tongue.

L pleasured Light with his mouth until he came. He enjoyed the noises that he made and how he quivered and squirmed right before he orgasmed down his throat.

Light panted as he came down from his sex high, his cheeks and chest flushed a bright red. He smiled, still trying to catch his breath. 

“That was amazing, L.”

L nodded. His final atonement was complete. He had satisfied God one last time. He was rewarded with God’s forgiveness.


	5. Monsters Under the Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yotsuba!Light has a nightmare about being Kira. L is surprisingly good at comforting him.

The screams of millions echoed through Light’s head, piercing his ears until they felt like they were going to bleed.

What if he was Kira? His own moral code certainly seemed to fit the bill, and L made sure to remind him of it every second of the day. 

Light was scared of the monster that he could possibly be. He was terrified that he had the ability to kill thousands without a single shred of regret.

He woke up in the middle of the night, sweating through his clothes and panting.

“Light, are you alright?” L asked, typing on his laptop beside him on their shared bed. “You’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately.”

Light wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand. 

“Yeah…” He sighed, running a hand through his wet hair. 

“What do you dream about, I wonder,” L pondered out loud. “Do you remember the lives that you took? Is that what you dream about? Is that why you wake up every night on the brink of tears? Are you scared of yourself, Light?”

L’s questions overwhelmed him. 

“I’m not scared of myself. I know i’m not Kira,” Light said matter-of-factly. “You’re just trying to ruffle me.”

L hummed quietly. 

“Perhaps… But i’m right, aren’t I?”

Light stared at L for a moment, admiring how the computer light reflected over L’s facial structures so prettily. His jawline and cheekbones looked sharper than ever, and his eyes were even more intense with minimal lighting.

“I know i’m not, Kira,” Light repeated, his voice more firm this time. 

“It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself more than you’re trying to convince me.”

It was true.

“Ryuzaki, stop. I’m tired.” 

Light laid back down, getting under the covers as he held a pillow to his chest. His back faced L so that he wouldn’t have to be under the scrutiny of his piercing gaze anymore.

“Goodnight, Light.”

“Goodnight, Ryuzaki.”

Light couldn’t sleep. The screams were getting louder by the second and he could feel his heart beating through his chest. He was sweating again and everything was too loud. The click clacking of L’s fingers against the keyboard bothered him and Light had an outburst.

“Ryuzaki, I can’t sleep with how loud you’re typing!”

“I have to work, Light.”

“Just turn off the computer!” He sat up, clenching his jaw with agitation.

Light was cracking, L observed. He slowly shut his laptop, engulfing them both in a blanket of darkness. 

That wasn’t good enough for Light, however. The loud typing had masked the other subtle noises in the background. He could hear his own heartbeat pulsing in his ears and how the cicadas sang outside. The gentle humming from all of the electronics plugged into outlets bothered Light and he moved to cover his ears with his hands. Everything was too loud!

“Light,” L called, his voice calm and nonthreatening. “You’re having a sensory overload episode.” Light silently thanked him in his head for giving this feeling a name. “It’s natural to feel that way at the beginning of a panic attack,” L said, his voice barely above the din. “Put your head down onto my lap.”

Light silently obeyed, just wanting to drown out the noise. L’s hand stroked his head gently, like his mother used to when he was younger. Light wished desperately that his mother was there right now. L would scold him and call him a child for such thoughts.

Light focused on the feeling of L’s fingers threading through his hair, ignoring him as he spoke. L ran a hand down his back and was talking above him. Even in this proximity, Light could not make out the words. There was an outside world, yet it stopped existing. There was just L.

The hand that had been petting him stopped suddenly, and he looked up to see L staring intently at him.

“You’re thinking things you shouldn’t,” L said. “What is it that you had in mind? Please, Light, tell me what is wrong with you.”

Light stared back blankly, wanting to scream and cry. Finally, he opened his mouth to speak and he ran his tongue over his dry lips, but nothing came out.

He was here, simply by virtue of being alive, and there was nothing to indicate that he wasn't a real person, that he wasn’t someone else entirely — that he wasn’t Kira, because if he was Kira…

Light put his hands over his eyes. 

“I feel like i’m going crazy,” he cried.

He found himself enveloped by arms that were, for whatever reason, soft. 

“I’m sorry,” L said. “I should have done this months ago,” he continued, referring to the hug, “I underestimated your ability to feel.” Light sobbed into L’s chest. L was temporarily distracted by Light crying into his chest as he touched his hair with long, delicate fingers. 

He knew that L was correct. Light had underestimated his own ability to feel and to deal with the pressure that came with being the number one Kira suspect. This was the natural effect of his body under stress.

The stress was not his own fault. Not really. He had even tried to deny it, but the evidence was there. Light had cracked. Under all the pressure, his weaknesses showed — he was just a man, and there was nothing to distinguish him from the rest of his sorry ilk. Light began to cry harder against L’s shirt as he was held.

It was becoming increasingly clear that L was a human being and not some robotic extra-terrestrial by the way he attempted to soothe and comfort him. 

Light clung to L. He was at his most vulnerable here, in a sweaty, disheveled state. The feeling of L’s skin against his own was warm and intimate. Light fervently enjoyed his head being cradled by L’s hands.

“There you go… Your breathing is slowing down,” L murmured. “You’re doing good, Light.” Light sniffled, still snuggling up to L. He reached up to wipe his wet cheeks. “You’re not doing anything wrong,” L said. “I can see that you’re trying to fight this.”

Light divulged all of his confusion, all of the emotions that he was ashamed of. He told L about his fear, his recent panic attacks and nightmares. L stroked his head and rocked him back and forth. L pulled Light closer, rubbing at his scalp as the boy spilled his guts and told him how the case had troubled him so. 

After L finished gripping Light as tight as he could, holding him close, he pulled the blankets over the both of them.

“Light,” L spoke with a solemn tone, “I wish I had been there to help you through this. You should have told me sooner.” He didn’t realize the mental toll that Light was dealing with. Under all that perfection was anxiety and fear. Light was afraid of himself, of what he was capable of, and L understood that without Light having to say a word about it. Light was struggling against his pent up emotions and was losing the battle.

Light’s inner struggle made L want to believe that he was truly innocent. This couldn’t possibly be an act, but he knew better. He knew that Light was Kira. Maybe he wasn’t Kira now, but he definitely was before, and he expected Kira to return eventually. 

The monster was hiding, waiting for the perfect moment to resurface, but for now, L will comfort Light. Just for tonight.


	6. After Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light hallucinates that L is there with him as he dies on the staircase.

Pinks and oranges swirled high in the atmosphere, becoming indistinguishable in the night sky. The shadows lengthened as Light stumbled into the stairway, bleeding out every last drop of blood. L stood across from him, his hands in his pockets, watching over him with a gentleness in his eyes.

“Hello, Light.”

Light strained to see around him; he couldn’t see much, just L. 

“L…” Light’s voice croaked. He couldn’t help it, but he was grateful that L was there with him. “You’re not supposed to be here,” he gasped in between wheezes. He said too much. He was talking to the dead.

“I love you, Light.”

Light shivered. He slid down the wall and placed his injured arm on the ground. It was too painful; he didn’t move it.

“It hurts, L…”

“I know…” L’s voice rang loud in the stairway, drowning out the rain that began to pour outside. “I’m here now…”

“L… It hurts so much.”

“I love you.”

“L, you can’t… I’ve done… horrible things…” Light sifted in and out of consciousness. He could hear L’s footsteps receding down the steps. “You don’t understand…” Light had killed his lover and that was his biggest regret. He had been so lonely without L and he had felt numb ever since.

L’s footsteps stopped. Light lifted his head, and L was crouched in front of him, his hand burning Light’s cold skin as he cupped his cheek.

“I’m here now, Light.”

“L… I’m so sorry,” he cried, feeling tears trickle down his cheeks. “Please,” Light whispered. “One last time…”

“I love you, Light. I forgive you.”

Light smiled. He felt L’s hand rub his cheek and he closed his eyes, melting against that familiar warmth. 

“Please don’t leave me… Not again… I’m scared.”

Light couldn’t tell if his trembling was caused by the blood loss, or his anxiety of L leaving him.

“I will stay with you, Light,” L promised.

“I love you, L.” Light’s voice was no more once he finished speaking. He wore a smile as the body in front of him began to fade away, refusing to cooperate much longer. His fingers curled around L’s hand as Light’s body grew weaker and weaker. 

He saw a flash of light and the world around him was gone.


	7. A Game of Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> L forces Light to play a game of Russian roulette.

“I’m going to give you two options, Light: life, or death.”

“Obviously I’m going to choose life,” Light replied. “However, I know there’s going to be a catch.” 

“No, not today,” L said, his voice fuzzy through the speaker in the corner of the room. “Choose death, and it will be certain, but choose life, and you have a chance to avoid being executed.” He already knew what Light was going to choose.

“Life.”

The door clicked open and a man with black shoulder length hair entered. He was wearing a stereotypical orange prisoner jumpsuit and had burns covering the majority of his body. His hands weren’t handcuffed, unlike Light’s. He sat down across from Light and his hands were chained to the table by the guard accompanying him.

“You two will be playing a round of Russian roulette,” L explained, causing Light to audibly gasp.

No wonder the chains to their handcuffs were so long: they needed room to hold and point a gun.

“What kind of sick —” Light went to curse L out, but the laughing from across the table startled him into silence.

Light watched with wide eyes as the manic cackled like a shinigami. He reminded him of Ryuk with the way he laughed with such amusement and pleasure. How was this situation funny? It boggled Light’s mind.

As the laughter subsided, L continued.

“I’m sure you know the rules of Russian roulette: there is only one bullet in the revolver. You spin the cylinder so that you cannot tell when the bullet will fire, and then you point the muzzle to your head and shoot.”

“This is insane!” Light shouted, slamming his hands against the table with outrage. Was he expected to play this deadly game of chance? Light knew there was a fucking catch!

The guard beside them showed the two that there was only one bullet in the chamber. She spun the cylinder and with each spin, Light’s heart dropped further and further into his stomach. There were only six shots and one of them was fatal. The guard handed the other prisoner the gun.

The man sitting on the other side of Light took the gun. He opened up the cylinder and spun it so that the next shot would contain the bullet. Light watched, completely mortified as he closed the cylinder and pressed the muzzle to his temple.

“What are you doing?!” Light shouted, but it was too late.

A loud bang echoed off the walls of the room, making his ears ring. The shot went off and brains exploded, splattering along Light’s face, the table, and the wall behind him. 

“Oh, I didn’t expect for him to immediately commit suicide…” L mumbled into the speaker. Light began to tremble and shake as he realized that a small skull fragment had landed on his cheek, or was it brain matter? He couldn’t tell. “Bring in the next participant.”

“L, I don’t want to do this!” Light quickly found his voice. “I don’t want to die!”

“Remember that there is a possibility that you could live,” L reminded Light as the guard moved the body and left to retrieve the next “participant”. 

“Why are you doing this? I didn’t know you were so vile!” L didn’t respond, but he could hear low snickering. “What happened to you as a child that made you turn out like this? What is wrong with you? You’re sicker than the criminals you incarcerate!”

“That’s funny, coming from you,” L finally retorted, but Light could tell it was out of comicality rather than defensiveness.

Before Light could make a comeback, the next prisoner was ushered inside and handcuffed to the table just like him. The gun was reloaded with one bullet and the cylinder was spun. This time, it was handed to Light.

His hands quivered as the cold metal touched the skin of his palm and fingers. It was heavy. Light had never held a gun before. 

“Stop staring at it,” the inmate across from him said, “just shoot.” He looked tired, both mentally and spiritually. The man was dead inside. No wonder he agreed to this, his eyes read “suicidal” in bold letters.

Light swallowed, putting his finger on the trigger as he pointed it at the inmate’s head. He shouldn’t have been surprised by the lack of response from him. Light hesitated before he shot. It was a blank bullet.

“Now it’s your turn, Light,” L said, his voice shepherding him to his death.

It was a risky move he just did and he may have just screwed himself over. 

Light didn’t want to point the gun at his head, but he knew that it was either going to be out of his own will, or the guard’s. He raised the gun, the icy metal kissing his temple. Light shut his eyes, praying to a god that he didn’t believe in as he pulled the trigger. Another blank bullet. He breathed a sigh of relief, and slid the gun across the table as far away from him as possible.

The inmate easily grabbed the gun and held it to his head. With the eagerness in his movements, Light’s suspicions were confirmed: the inmate was suicidal and itching for death. He saw the disappointment on his face when the gun drew another blank.

“Three shots left,” L taunted. 

Light glared at the camera in the corner of the room before taking the gun. It didn’t feel as dense as before, and Light raised the gun to his head. It was now or never. He pulled the trigger and everything went black.

He lost the game of chance.


	8. Only Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Light accidentally discovers that L has an eating disorder.

Light had always wondered how L was so thin, despite eating all of that sugar. One possibility was that he had a monster metabolism, and the other was that he worked out until his body grew raw.

He remembered L telling Misa that “you don’t gain any weight as long as you use your brain to burn calories”. However, the brain only uses about 300 calories a day on average, so the math didn’t add up. 

Light was dying to know the answer. He himself was rather thin from the mix of daily exercise, proper nutrition, and a fast metabolism. Light doubted that L did either of those things, though.

The day went by as usual: Matsuda being an absolute airhead, annoying those around him while L ate mountains of sweets. When the sun set, everyone went to bed one by one at their own time. Mr. Yagami and Aizawa turned in at the earliest, with Matsuda and then Mogi following behind. It was 1am when L finally gave into Light’s complaining.

They both had to take off the handcuffs in order to undress and change, giving their bruised wrists some relief. Light’s eyes couldn’t help but wander along L’s body as he slipped on his nightwear. 

A very thin frame, but there was light musculature along his stomach and chest, giving away the hint that L did indeed exercise. There were soft bruises along his legs, hip bones, and spinal cord. Light wondered where they came from, as there were so many of them. The baggy clothes he normally wore covered them all, so Light had no idea about them until now.

“You’re staring, Light,” L spoke.

Light immediately averted his gaze.

“I’m sorry.”

L could feel the thick cloud of curiosity swirling around Light, but he did nothing to appease it. He allowed the inquisitiveness to seep into his pores. 

They went to bed, or actually, Light went to bed while L stayed up to continue working on his laptop. As soon as his exhausted body hit the mattress, Light was out and fell into a deep slumber.

It was three in the morning when Light woke up to hear the sound of a shower running. The bed wasn’t warm anymore, as L had left.

Light sat up, tiredly rubbing at his eyes as he grew aware of his surroundings. L wasn’t in the bed anymore and his laptop was closed and sitting on his pillow.

Was he showering? Why would he leave him to shower alone? Light thought that L was never going to leave him by himself no matter what.

He got up, collecting the rest of the chains from his handcuff so that it wouldn’t make too much noise. Light slowly wandered to the bathroom door and pressed his ear against it, closing his eyes to listen. Was… Was L puking? He could hear the disgusting retching noises coming from within the bathroom. Did L get sick?

“Ryuzaki,” Light gently knocked at the door. “Are you okay?” There was no answer, so he knocked louder. “Ryuzaki, I’m coming in.” He turned the knob, finding that the door did not have a lock. Of course it didn’t, L wouldn’t allow for the possibility of Light locking himself inside.

L was naked, doubled over the toilet bowl as he threw up all of the contents of his stomach. It was horribly intimate, taboo even. Light immediately moved to cover his eyes with his hand, his heart beating out of his chest. For some reason, the sight scared him and the feeling of dread settled inside him.

“Ryuzaki, are you alright? Are you sick?”

“Get out,” L commanded, the tone of his voice unsettling him even further. He sounded defensive and angry.

Light promptly left the room and shut the door a little bit too loudly. He felt like his heart was about to jump out of his throat.

Suddenly, everything clicked; all of the bruises, the way L acted as if he were caught doing something that he shouldn’t be doing. L was throwing up on purpose, wasn’t he?

Light’s hands trembled, but he forced himself to calm down. He had to be there for L, let him know that he cared about him and that he was worried for him. 

A few minutes passed before the shower turned off. He heard clothes rustling and then the bathroom door opened. L’s eyes and cheeks looked puffy and swollen. A tense-filled moment of awkward eye contact passed until Light found it within himself to break the silence.

“How long?”

“I don’t understand the question.”

“How long have you been doing this for?” Light rephrased it even though he knew that L understood perfectly well what he meant.

“Since I was a teenager.” Light didn’t know how old L was, but he couldn’t have been much older than him. Either way, this has been going on for a while. “I can’t control it,” L admitted, “it tells me when to eat, how much I should eat… It even tells me how to chew and breathe, how to throw up.” Light assumed the “it” L was talking about was his eating disorder.

He swallowed at L’s sudden willingness to open up and how utterly brutal the truth was. He wasn’t trying to hide it anymore.

“Ryuzaki…” Light breathed, his voice so quiet it could be considered a whisper. “I… I didn’t know.” Nobody knew. 

“That was the point.”

Light looked away for a second, feeling uncomfortable under the intensity of L’s stare. 

“Well, I know now. How do I… How can I help you?”

“You can’t,” L responded easily, moving to slap the handcuff back onto his thin wrist so that they would be chained together once again. He then walked towards the bed and got under the covers, dragging Light with him. 

“What do you mean I can’t?” Light knitted his brows together. “I can’t do nothing!” It was his obligation as a human being to help L, but he was also his friend and he wanted the best for him.

“Light,” his voice was as sharp as a knife, “drop it.”

“You can’t expect me to allow you to keep doing… whatever it is you’re trying to do! I want to help you.”

“If the doctors can’t help me, then you certainly can’t.”

L has been referred to doctors before and it was unsuccessful… Good to know.

“Ryuzaki — no, L,” he wanted him to know that he was being serious. “You’re harming yourself. You can’t be doing this without any sort of reason, so what is it? What’s wrong?”

L looked at Light as if he had just grown a second head. Nobody persisted after he raised his voice at them, but then again, Light Yagami was always the exception.

“Just be happy that I haven’t killed myself after everything I’ve seen over the years. This is the best thing that you could hope for.”

Light didn’t know how to react. His eating disorder was caused by trauma, by the grotesque things he’s seen after becoming the world’s greatest detective. Seeing murderers, rapists, and pedophiles daily would make anyone suicidal. L hadn’t come out unscathed, but who would? He was only human. 

L couldn’t fix everything on a large scale, despite having great influence. He couldn’t control what people did, whether they decided to murder or not, so he managed the only thing he did have control over: his body.

Light leaned in to bring L to his chest, wrapping his arms around him protectively. The detective squirmed at first, but he slowly calmed and stilled.

“I’m sorry you’re in pain,” Light whispered, keeping his voice soft and quiet. L must be at least somewhat comfortable with him to allow him to hug him like this. He doubted he was going around begging for physical affection. “I… I don’t know how to help you, but please… let me. Tell me what to do.”

L was quiet, tense, and stiff in Light’s embrace, but he gradually relaxed the more he talked. 

“I really hope that I’m wrong and that you’re not Kira,” L mumbled against Light’s chest. “It would be a shame because…” L muttered something that he couldn’t hear.

“What?”

L pulled away and Light was nervous that he decided he didn’t want his help, but as L laid down and brought Light up against him, his nerves calmed. L held Light, nestling his chin over his head.

“You can help by… staying with me,” L said quietly.

“I won’t leave you.”

L smiled at that and shut his eyes, allowing his exhausted body to relax for the first time in years.


End file.
